Guest blog by Sholom—
When taking a flight, the flight attendant always begins with the safety briefing. Inevitably, they arrive at the part about the oxygen masks. “If there should be a change in cabin pressure… put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.”
Most of us have heard this used as a metaphor for self-care, and for good reason. But for many same-sex attracted men, the analogy hits differently. A lot of us have spent years managing how much of ourselves we show in different rooms — at work, at family dinners, in faith communities, even with friends. That kind of constant calibration is tiring in a way that’s hard to explain to someone who’s never had to do it. We’re not just tired. We’re tired from carrying things other people don’t even know we’re carrying. It can feel completely exhausting, like you can’t even breathe sometimes.
The truth is, this kind of depletion doesn’t usually announce itself with sirens. It creeps in. It shows up as irritability, numbness, forgetfulness, or that vague sense that everything feels heavier than it should. And because so many of us got good at functioning under pressure we often don’t recognize the signs until we’re already scraping the bottom of the tank.
The H.A.L.T. Check-In
There’s a simple tool used in recovery communities that applies beautifully here too: H.A.L.T. It stands for:
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Hungry
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Angry
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Lonely
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Tired
These four states are some of the most common triggers for emotional overwhelm and reactive behavior. When we’re in one—or several—of these states and running on empty, we’re far more likely to fall into negative patterns without realizing it.
For same-sex attracted men, loneliness can mean more than not having plans on a Friday night — it can mean not having a single person who knows the whole story. Anger can be the residue of old rejection, a comment from family, a sermon, a joke that landed wrong and never got addressed. Exhaustion can be the weight of vigilance — constantly white knuckling and keeping desires in check.
The bigger problem is when this becomes our baseline. When isolation feels normal. When guardedness simmers quietly under the surface. When exhaustion is simply “how life is.” At that point, we’re not just depleted, we’re disconnected from our own needs.
H.A.L.T. is an invitation to pause and ask: What’s really going on with me right now? Which of these needs have I been ignoring?
Why Running on Empty Leads to Unhealthy Coping
When we’re depleted, our brains go into survival mode. We stop reaching for what’s healthy and start reaching for what’s fast. That might look like:
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Overworking to avoid feelings
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Snapping at the people we care about
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Pornography
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Withdrawing from friends or community
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Numbing out with substances, distraction, or compulsive behaviors
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Staying in surface-level relationships because depth feels risky
These aren’t moral failings. They’re signals. They’re the emotional equivalent of the “check engine” light (the one so many people ignore) blinking on the dashboard. But instead of pulling over, we often press harder on the gas.
Underneath a lot of these patterns is something simple and human: a need for real connection that hasn’t found a safe enough place to land. H.A.L.T. helps us name that need before we spiral into something that leaves us feeling worse.
Refilling the Tank Isn’t Selfish — It’s Strategic
Putting on your oxygen mask first isn’t an act of selfishness. It’s an act of sustainability. Rest, nourishment, honest connection, and emotional regulation aren’t luxuries — they’re maintenance.
For a lot of us, refilling the tank also means something specific: finding people and spaces where we don’t have to edit ourselves. That might look like:
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Eating a real meal sitting down, without managing anything else
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Taking a walk
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Calling a friend who actually knows you and admitting you’re struggling
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Saying no to something — or someone — you don’t have capacity for
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Going to bed earlier instead of pushing through
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Spending time with people, however few, who you don’t have to perform for
Brotherhood — real, honest, unguarded connection with other men — is one of the most powerful refills there is. Not brotherhood as an obligation or a role to play, but the kind built on actually being known. Isolation rarely gets fixed by trying harder alone; it gets fixed by letting someone in.
You Deserve More Than Survival Mode
If you’ve been running on empty, you’re not alone. Most people don’t realize how depleted they are until they stop moving long enough to feel it. That’s especially true if you’ve spent years in some version of survival mode just to feel safe.
You don’t have to wait for a crash landing to take care of yourself. Pause. Check in with H.A.L.T. Name what you need and give yourself permission to slow down long enough to receive it.
You deserve oxygen too.