Guest blog by Sholom—
For years I feared I wasn’t enough. Not good enough. Not man enough. Not smart enough. Not handsome enough. It continued as I grew older. Into my teens. Into my marriage. It continued when I became a father.
In workshops and peer led growth/support groups I was taught that maybe I’m projecting my own masculinity onto other men. So I’m not seeing it at all in myself. I’m not taking ownership and recognizing who I am. And maybe that’s part of the reason I’m attracted to other men.
Maybe, just maybe, if I connect to my own masculinity within me I’d be better off. Maybe it would help me to live in the truth and not the lies I believe about myself. In the light and not the dark. For years I’ve continued attending workshops and groups. I’m still there. I have found community. I’ve found acceptance. I continue to find myself and to own my own masculinity and goodness.
Something interesting has happened. The attractions to other men don’t bother me anymore. Not that I’m no longer attracted to men, but the attraction itself no longer bothers me. It no longer says anything about me. My authenticity is no longer tethered to my sexual identity. My attractions no longer decide who I am. I decide. My values and my heart decide.
And with that realization, more often than not, I feel great about myself.
This isn’t something that’s happened in a day. It’s been work. Grueling work. It’s part of being human. Fight, forget, fall, and get back up again.
Often, I ask myself, why keep fighting? Why continue to go against the flow of the mainstream? Why continue to give and invest of myself into others? Why continue to paint this target on my back for a large gay-affirming community who hate me?
Then I see the lights come on in another man’s eyes as he realizes he’s not alone. I remember a life’s mission I have set for myself. I remember the grass is no greener anywhere else.
Part of being human is coping with hardship. At the end of the day, this whole entire world is nothing but a life of guess and test as we all try to figure ourselves out. I’ve learned that one of the most important things is not to be afraid to struggle as long as we’re living true to ourselves.