Guest blog by Sholom—
There’s a moment that sneaks up on me sometimes—quiet, almost innocent.
I see someone walk into a room: confident, relaxed, magnetic. My first thought isn’t I want to be with him, it’s I want to be him. Not really be him, but I want his look. Or his confidence. Or his attitude towards life.
But here’s where it gets complicated.
How Comparison Becomes A Trap
That desire to embody what they seem to hold so effortlessly, can quickly shift. What begins as comparison turns to longing. That which I think I don’t possess becomes envy. The exotic becomes erotic. The distance between me and him, the difference that first sparked admiration, ignites something deeper and more confusing.
For many of us, especially those who have wrestled with same-sex attraction (SSA), this is familiar territory though it’s not always about physical attraction (this can happen to anyone). Sometimes it’s about power, or presence, or freedom— qualities we think we don’t have. So, we see them in others. Because these are our triggers for whatever reasons, they jump out at us and we tend to find them in somebody in most rooms we walk into. When we (think we) can’t embody those things ourselves, we crave closeness to those who does. We ache. We desire.
When Desire Isn’t Really Desire
Jealousy and envy are shapeshifters. They slip into the psyche dressed as admiration or attraction, whispering stories about our own inadequacy. They say, “You’re not enough.” Not bold enough. Not beautiful enough. Not free enough. Not thin, or big, or hairy, or smooth, or strong, or loud, or… or… or… Then, before we know it, we’re caught in a loop—not just wanting someone else, but also displeased or disgusted by these things or lack of things within ourselves.
What we think of as Same-Sex Attraction might be nothing more than a distorted mirror of our own unloved parts. A reaching out toward what we’ve disowned in ourselves or think we don’t have.
Maybe we’re not broken. At least not in the comparative ways we think we are. Maybe the comparison and envy are just our ways of calling out. Trying to come home to ourselves. One reflection at a time.