About SSA

SSA suggests an experience, not a permanent identity. It implies a set of feelings, not a way of life.

Is Sexuality Sometimes Fluid?

Sexuality is complicated. It is nuanced and, science is increasingly finding, sometimes fluid, not binary.

While our core “arousal template” (the types of people and situations we may find arousing) rarely if ever changes, other aspects of our sexuality are often more flexible.

For example, in our experience:

If by “gay” we mean a gay identity, we can embrace it as a core part of how we see ourselves or we can choose to self-identify in other ways that may feel more meaningful to who we are as a whole. Each of us gets to choose how we will self-identify.

If by “gay” we mean a gay lifestyle, we can choose what our own personal “gay lifestyle” will look like, how open or public to be, or whether to live a more traditional lifestyle, if that fits better with how we see ourselves and what we want out of life. Each of us gets to choose how to live our lives and how to present ourselves to the world. And it’s never okay to shame others for making different choices.

If by “gay” we actually mean same-sex lust, we know that lust can be diminished or surrendered. Anyone can be susceptible to lust, whether it’s directed toward the same or the opposite sex. Lust can consume a person and lead to self-destructive behaviors. But countless recovering sex addicts have shown that recovery and sexual “sobriety” can be real and lasting.

If by “gay” we mean our feelings or attractions, we can embrace their “gold” (all that is positive and ennobling about them) while turning from the “shadow” (anything that is negative or harmful). Sexual feelings themselves are neither good nor bad. It’s important to accept them for what they are, while making our own independent choices about whether and how we choose to express them.

Often, a man’s distress may really be about his out-of-control sexual behaviors, not his same-sex attractions themselves. So when his lust diminishes, or he gets his behavior in line with his personal values, and he accepts himself as he is, without shame, his SSA distress may disappear.

Our Real Goal is Peace

Frankly, heterosexuality can never be the real goal anyway. Look around you — obviously, heterosexuality alone can never guarantee happiness. There are a lot of unfulfilled, unhappy heterosexuals out there!

No, our real goals have to be peace, love and acceptance — and in ways that best aligns our identity, feelings and behaviors with our deeply held values, beliefs, values, and life goals.

Changes We’ve Experienced Through Our Inner Work

Self-Esteem. Our self-esteem has improved and feelings of shame have diminished or disappeared as we’ve come to accept ourselves as we are, accept our sexuality as it is, and experienced authentic acceptance by others who really know us.
Brotherhood. We’ve experienced an increased sense of belonging and brotherhood among men from all walks of life.
Sexual Behaviors. Those of us who have struggled with self-destructive and out-of-control sexual behaviors have often reduced or even eliminated harmful behaviors altogether.
Distress. Distress over our same-sex attractions has reduced or even been eliminated altogether.
Intensity. Although our core “arousal templates” (the types of people and situations each of us may find arousing) have not changed, many of us have found that the intensity of our sexual desires has diminished over time as we have reduced lust and shame, increased self-acceptance, and learned to live more authentically in alignment with our core values.
Single and Celibate. Many of us have found a new level of peace and fulfilment as we have embraced living a single and celibate lifestyle as a higher calling consistent with our faith, values and beliefs.
Marriage and Opposite-Sex Attractions. Many of us have found renewed commitment to and love for our wives and families.
Faith. Many of us have found a renewed sense of peace with God, an increase in faith, and a far greater sense of his unconditional love for us.
Peace. But more important than all of this, we are finding peace — and peace in a way that aligns our identity, feelings and behaviors with our deeply held values, beliefs, faith, and life goals.

Our Stories

Today, when I see a good-looking guy I see him less in a sexual way and more as an equal — a brother with good and bad qualities, just like me.

Mohamed, United Kingdom

I am no longer acting out on my pornography addiction, and this has helped me greatly. Now, when I feel attracted to another man, I can deal with those feelings in healthy ways that make me feel good about myself.

Sam, Utah USA

I no longer experience shame or guilt around my same-sex attractions. I do not experience any conflict between my attractions and my personal value system. I do not feel sexually repressed or incomplete by not acting on my same-sex attractions. I believe I am in a situation equal to any individual who is in a committed relationship with one individual and yet still experiences attractions to other individuals.

Kevin, Idaho USA

My same-sex attraction feel less intense, but far more importantly, I am comfortable with that as a part of who I am, open about it with my friends, and have mostly found a way to get those needs for intimacy met with men through non-sexual outlets.

Yaakov, California USA

I still find men attractive, but the desires are desires to be friends, to get to know each other, to somehow become more like what I see in him. There’s not nearly as much of that same needy, clingy desperate feeling. I find that my brotherly male friendships bring an incredible sense of joy and peace into my life. Sexual connection or exclusive relationship scenarios fade in the light of the joy I feel with my brothers.

Benjamin, California USA

I have learned that I need intimate, healthy, emotionally connected relationships with other men. As I have taken the steps to be open and vulnerable with the men in my life, I am growing in these relationships. This is filling the void in my heart that I used to medicate with gay porn or acting out sexually with other men. The real connection I long for with other men is not sexual or romantic, but pure, brotherly affection, affirmation and belonging.

Richard, Oregon USA