Guest blog by James S—
I want to share something that stems solely from my personal experience and observations over the years—not from any organization, including Brothers Road. I participated in my first “Journey to Manhood” workshop nearly 25 years ago and have been a staff member at over 50 workshops. I’ve sat with hundreds of men on recovery paths and in support groups. Over time, I’ve begun to notice a pattern that has helped me understand the complexity behind homosexual attractions and compulsive sexual behaviors.
While every story is unique and deeply personal, many of the experiences I’ve heard tend to revolve around two intertwined experiences: an emotional experience and a physical/sexual experience. These aren’t labels or judgments—they’re simply lenses that have helped me understand myself and my brothers on this journey.
The Emotional Experience of Same-Sex Attraction
- For some men, the core struggle isn’t so much sexual as it is emotional.
- Attraction is linked to a deep desire to be loved by another man. To be embraced, understood, and to feel desired and chosen. The core desire here isn’t for sex, but for love.
- This type of attraction can stem from relationship wounds, a lack of male support, early rejection from peers or men, or years of feeling excluded.
Many men on this path say:
- “I didn’t want sex… I wanted someone to understand me.” “I wanted someone to choose me.” “I was looking for security and warmth.”
- Because of this intense emotional hunger, many suffer from codependency—intense relationships, excessive dependence on one man, or a fear of losing the relationship.
This path also makes forming healthy male friendships extremely difficult. Many of these men need to relearn:
- How to read the signs of friendship?
- How to approach without fear?
- How to maintain healthy boundaries?
- How to communicate and connect without becoming attached?
One of my closest friends was like this. For him, simply holding a man’s hand was the ultimate sensation…more so than any sexual encounter.
The Physical/Sexual Experience of Same-Sex Attraction
For other men, the struggle is more physical/sexual.
- It’s not about a relationship or emotional connection—it’s about impulse, euphoria, escape, or addiction.
- It’s about seeking excitement, intensity, release, and the experience itself.
- Men on this path talk about a strong sexual attraction that can lead them to serious risks, such as: Constantly searching for something new, compulsive app use, engaging in risky sexual relationships, and public or reckless sexual behavior driven by impulse rather than intimacy.
These men often find it very difficult to stay sober because the sex drive is compulsive and deeply rooted in the brain’s reward circuitry. Even a few days of abstinence can be a battle.
Like the first group, they also struggle to form genuine male friendships. They may not know how to communicate without sexual innuendo, how to be vulnerable without being aroused, or how to build a relationship based on trust rather than desire.
Personally, this is the path I’ve followed. The very idea of being in a romantic relationship with a man repulsed me. I didn’t want a relationship, a commitment, or feelings. Raw impulse was the crux of my struggle.
These aren’t rigid categories or stereotypes
Many men experience both, but often one is more prominent.
Knowing which experience is stronger for you can be crucial because emotional attraction requires emotional healing and relationship work. Compulsive sexual attraction requires strong addiction tools, discipline, and clear boundaries. And both require re-learning healthy male friendships from scratch.
Neither is “better” than the other.
Neither is “worse.”
Both are human. Both are healable with compassion, patience, and support.
Over the years, I’ve seen men change—slowly, honestly, and courageously. Understanding which of these two experiences is central to your struggle can give you clarity and help with compassion for yourself.
This lens has helped me understand myself and the men I’ve sat with. If it has given you a language or a deeper understanding of your own personality, I am grateful.
We are all learning.
We are all healing.
And we are all doing the best we can with what we have in our hearts.