Guest blog by Sholom—
The Damage Of Comparison In An Algorithm Age
Comparison has always been a trap. But for men today, (all men, not just men with Same-Sex Attraction) it’s no longer just an internal habit—it’s a system we’re immersed in. One designed to move, influence, and control us like products.
We live in a world where algorithms decide what a “real man” looks like, what he should desire, how his body should appear, how confident he should be, and how effortlessly he should move through life. These systems don’t know us, and they don’t care about our stories, our struggles, or our complexity. Their job is simple: keep us watching, scrolling, and comparing.
They Do That By Feeding Us Highlight Reels.
We see men who seem socially fluent, emotionally unburdened, sexually confident, and physically ideal. We see their best angles, best lighting, best moments, and filtered fabrications. What we don’t see are their fears. Unless they want us to, we don’t see their confusion, their shame, their loneliness, or the parts of themselves they work hard to hide. Algorithms aren’t interested in truth—they’re interested in engagement. As much as it may hurt, comparison is incredibly engaging. So, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Tik Tok get rich on our feeling ‘less than’.
For men navigating Same-Sex Attraction, this comparison might cut especially deep. Many of us already carry questions about belonging, masculinity, desirability, and worth. When the images we’re shown suggest that “real men” are something other than who we are, and that the men we’re drawn to are living lives we’ll never reach, it quietly reinforces the belief that we are behind, broken, or defective.
Comparison Thrives On Telling Us We Don’t Belong.
Online, we don’t often get to know people. I mean, really know people. We see fragments. We know what someone chooses to show on a good day. Real relationships don’t work that way. In actual human connection, masks eventually fail. Complexity shows up, and strength and vulnerability sit side by side. In real relationships, the men we admire often turn out to be far more human and far less certain than we ever imagined.
Comparison begins to collapse when intimacy enters the room. It may not be automatic. It may not be easy. But when we’re open to seeing reality, the façade breaks down.
The danger isn’t just envy. It’s disconnection—from ourselves and from others. When we measure our inner lives against someone else’s outer image, we abandon our own growth process. We stop asking, What’s my truth? What’s right for me? What kind of man am I becoming? Instead, we chase an external standard that was never designed with us in mind.
This is especially painful when algorithms subtly sexualize male bodies while calling it inspiration, fitness, or confidence. No one passively keeps those abs while pursuing other dreams. For men navigating Same-Sex Attraction, the line between admiration, attraction, and self-judgment can blur quickly. Without grounding, we can end up consuming images that leave us emptier, more restless, and more dissatisfied with our own bodies and even our whole lives.
Healing Begins With Reclaiming Reality.
Reality is relational. It’s imperfect. It’s slow. It’s built on conversation, shared experiences, awkward moments, and honest sharing. It’s found in men who show up consistently, not necessarily impressively. It’s found in spaces where we’re known, not evaluated. The work isn’t to stop noticing other men, it’s to stop letting an algorithm tell you who you need to be in order to matter.
In a world where everywhere has become a stage, it’s important to remember that masculinity is not a performance. It’s not something comparable and no life needs to resemble someone else’s highlight reel to be meaningful. We don’t find ourselves via comparison. That’s how we lose ourselves.