A woman called me feeling devastated. Her husband says he loves her and even seems to enjoy intimacy with her, but he keeps falling back into an old habit — using porn. And not just any porn. Male porn. Gay porn.

She was, quite understandably, deeply hurt and very confused. She felt betrayed. It made her question almost everything she thought she knew about him and their relationship. It can cause her to even question her sense of femininity and her value to him as a woman.“How could he do this to me if he loves me?” she wondered.

“It’s almost definitely not about you,” I tried to assure her.

In most cases, I told her, men are introduced to pornography during adolescence or even before. (In one study, the average age of first exposure was 13, according to the American Psychological Association.)

At first, porn may be just a curiosity about sex and the human body and the new sexual feelings that the images arouse. But somewhere along the line, boys or young men may find that looking at porn can help them de-stress. It may help them “check out” for a while when life gets too overwhelming — kind of like a video game obsession, but with the added exhilaration of lust.

Porn may help boys or young men avoid feeling uncomfortable or painful emotions. Before long, it may become compulsive or addictive, something they feel they need just to get through the day.

“Buy why gay porn?” the caller asked. “I mean, I may feel just as betrayed or maybe even more betrayed if he were looking at other women. But looking at men? How can I compete with men? It just makes me think he must be gay and our whole marriage is a sham!”

It’s probably more complicated than a quick “he must be gay” answer, I told her. Especially since she described him as an otherwise loving and involved husband who usually seems to like being married.

Any male today is going to encounter pornography at some point, I said. And anyone who looks at porn for any length of time is going to encounter the option to look at gay porn. Most boys or young men may look briefly, out of mere curiosity, and then return to the more arousing straight porn.

But some boys and young men find male or gay porn much more compelling than straight porn. Why? Perhaps the better question is “who.” These may be basically heterosexual boys or young men who were thrown some significant developmental curveballs from a young age:

• They may have never bonded sufficiently with their fathers or father figures. They may have felt unwanted, criticized, or judged. They may feel like a disappointment to their dads or father figures. Or maybe they sense a general sense of indifference or ambivalence from these men who should have loved and mentored them. Now these boys may be starved for male attention and affection — but society calls that hunger gay (which it certainly is not!), so it may seem impossible to ever meet those needs in a healthy, platonic, father-son dynamic.
• They may have had a greater need for platonic, fatherly (or brotherly) physical affection than they ever actually received. Sometimes fathers start withholding touch from their sons while their sons are still hungry to be held and nurtured and affirmed by a man. That can leave a life-long hunger for physical affection from other men — a need that can easily become sexualized. It can also be difficult for men to meet that need for healthy touch in straight society.
• They may not have experienced the level of male-peer bonding, acceptance and inclusion that they needed. They may have even been bullied and mocked for not being athletic enough or being too sensitive or artistic or just not like the other boys. This could have left a lifelong yearning for male acceptance. They just want to be wanted.
• They may have felt inadequate as one of the guys. They may have told themselves they just didn’t measure up. They weren’t as masculine as their peers. They had less stereotypically masculine interests. It’s seldom that they felt like a girl — but they didn’t feel quite like one of the guys either.
• They may even have felt shame for being male at all. So much of today’s society celebrates feminine traits and demonizes male traits. Much of society communicates directly and indirectly to growing boys that men are the root of all evil, that all of history’s atrocities can be laid at the feet of men. How dare you be male!

Given this perfect storm of harmful beliefs, hurtful feelings, unmet needs, and painful past experiences, it’s no surprise that these boys would develop a deep craving for male affection, attention, and inclusion. It’s not that they were born gay so much as they were just typical boys and young men starved for healthy bonding with other heterosexual boys and men.

And then they found male porn.

There, the men in the pictures and videos celebrated maleness instead of demonizing it. There, the men showed pride — not shame — in having a male body and were happy to show it off. There, the men showered affection (or so it may seem) on each other.

The boy or young man with all those unhealed emotional wounds and unmet needs becomes fascinated. Here, in fantasyland, he can imagine — and even vicariously feel — affection. Just as our emotions respond to a dramatic movie, the pornographic images on the screen can move him. They can make him feel wanted. They can make him finally feel a sense of belonging as a man.

The fantasy fulfillment of unhealed wounds and unmet needs (needs! not wants!) is all too easy to eroticize. There it is, at the click of a link. (Who wants to plant a garden of nourishing vegetables when you’re starving and there is fast food just down the street?)

The reality of true healing is far, far more challenging than clicking on a hyperlink. It requires a man to unpack his wounds and to do what he can to heal them. He must discover his authentic needs, try to understand them, and then do what he can to meet them. This requires radical self-acceptance, courageous vulnerability, and turning his heart over to God or surrendering up to the universe all that he cannot change.

Reality requires him to find male acceptance and affirmation in real-world friendships with actual men, not digital ones.

“Obviously, I don’t know your husband,” I told the wife who called me looking for understanding and hope. “Maybe all of this applies to him, maybe none of it does, but more than likely, some of it is his story, too. Because it was much like mine and has been the story, to one degree or another, of hundreds of men I’ve worked with and become friends with over the past 20 years who have struggled with issues like this.

“In no way does any of this excuse his behavior,” I emphasized. “But it may help explain some of it. It may help you understand him a little more. It may be a starting place for you two to have a healthier conversation with each other about how to address this issue, how it affects you, and how to get the support that you both need.”

Rich can be reached at [email protected].