I used to be gay. Sort of.
But I don’t really consider myself “ex-gay,” either.
The “gay” label is a social construct that, to me, has no objective basis in true reality. When we don’t understand something, we tend to make up all sorts of labels to help fit it into our subjective experience.
The trouble is, at least for me, the label just doesn’t fit. It never really did.
“Ex-gay” doesn’t really fit, either. You can’t replace one inaccurate term with another.
I’m not now any more “ex-gay” than I was “gay” in the first place.
What I am, however, is a man who has experienced predominant sexual and romantic attractions to other men throughout much of my life from as early as I can remember. Through 20-plus years of healing and self-discovery, I have seen those attractions diminish to the point where I am very happily married with three children.
Yes, of course to a woman.
Ok. Then I must be “bisexual.” Right?
Nope. That’s another label that fits me about as well as the previous two.
I’m kind of hard to get a handle on, aren’t I? Guilty as charged.
This stuff is hard to talk about. That’s why we need to. That’s why I’m “coming out” and wrote a book about it: “When the Son Frees You: A Catholic Man’s Journey of Healing from Same-Sex Attraction.”
If you are looking for an explosive story about a guy with a bunch of gay lovers, or one who was hopelessly addicted to gay porn or who was a mover and a shaker in the gay lifestyle, and then had a conversion, that’s not me. There are plenty of those stories out there and some of them are quite compelling and well worth reading.
But that’s not me. Never was.
I’ve never had sex with a man and although I’ve looked at pornographic images of men, masturbated with those images and entertained a lurid homosexual fantasy life for many years, I thankfully never became addicted. I never really liked the whole gay rights thing either and I was always a believing Catholic, even when I really didn’t want to be.
Sounds kind of boring, huh? It’s okay. You won’t hurt my feelings.
From the outside looking in, it probably is pretty mundane and yeah, maybe even a little boring.
Really, if you looked at me, nothing in my life would stand out. I am a happily married father of three wonderful children and I live in a middle-class suburban town. Professionally, I am a public high school English teacher and a part-time adjunct college professor. I am a lifelong Catholic Christian who is very active in my parish running a successful men’s ministry among other things.
That’s it! There’s no big story but my main purpose in writing my story is to explain how I was freed from homosexuality and learned to live with my SSA me and to inspire hope in others who struggle similarly.
If I can be of service, please check out my website, thesilentknight.net or message me.
Thanks for your honest witness. Whenever I get down, I’m edified by these stories.
I’m submitting this on behalf of Anonymous: “Thanks for your honest witness. Whenever I get down, I’m edified by these stories.”
Thanks AJ. Sounds good.