Guest blog by Sholom—
For many men who experience same-sex attraction (SSA), and many men in general, there lies a deeper story beneath the surface of yearning or desire. A story not only about sexuality, but about longing, loss, and the ache for connection that was never fully met.
One of the most common and quietly painful threads in the lives of many, is the experience of having grown up without receiving the kind of fathering they deeply needed. Not necessarily the absence of a father in a physical sense, but a deeper absence: the lack of affirmation, tenderness, strength, and presence from a father who could see them and love them in their developing masculinity. In other, more extreme cases, rather than kindness, men received abuse, belittling, and abandonment.
This gap creates more than just pain; it creates hunger.
For some, that hunger shows up in subtle ways: a craving for male touch, a longing to be noticed or chosen by strong, secure men, or a deep desire to belong in a friend-group or a brotherhood they never quite felt part of. For others, it becomes a sexualized pull toward the masculine. The body, the voice, the gaze, charged not only with desire but with hope: maybe this connection will finally give me what I’ve been missing.
This isn’t about blaming fathers. Many were themselves unfathered, doing the best they could with what they were given. Some of them really did nothing wrong and for whatever reason we couldn’t accept what they had to offer. It’s also not about reducing SSA to its simple psychological roots. Human sexuality is complex and multi-layered. For many men, healing begins when we allow ourselves to name the wound beneath the surface and tend to it with compassion rather than shame.
To Father the unfathered part of us is a sacred task
It means becoming for ourselves what we never had:
Embodying the voice that says, “You are good.”
Becoming the arms that embrace, not with demand, but with safety.
Being a presence that teaches, “You have strength. You have value. You are enough.”
Sometimes, we might find this fathering through mentors, spiritual brothers, or men’s groups. Other times, it may come through grief or cathartic release. Ultimately, it comes through learning to offer it to ourselves. Through speaking to the little boy inside with love, setting boundaries around what matters to us with kindness, and being willing to walk ourselves home to who we truly are.
When we father the unfathered places inside of us, we don’t erase our story— we redeem it. We become not only men who are more whole, but men who are more capable of offering to others what we ourselves once lacked. In doing so, we become part of breaking the cycle.
You deserved a father who saw you.
You deserved unconditional love.
You are a man who can give that love.
And in that, there is great hope.