Guest blog by Sholom—
There’s a quiet lie many of us carry without even realizing it:
If I’m healing, I should be getting better all the time. Stronger. Clearer. More in control. Less reactive. Always moving forward. But that’s not how real healing works.
For men doing healing work, especially when it comes to identity, attraction, and the deeper layers of our stories, it’s important to understand:
Setbacks are not proof that healing isn’t working. They’re often proof that it is.
The Myth of Linear Progress
We like neat little boxes. Straight lines. Point A to point B destinations. Effort in, results out.
But emotional and relational work—especially around same-sex attraction—don’t follow that model.
It looks more like:
- Two steps forward, one step back
- Long stretches of quiet growth followed by sudden intensity
- Breakthroughs… followed by moments that feel like you’re right back where you started
That last one can hit the hardest.
You think: “I already dealt with this. Why is it back?” or “How am I so much wiser and still dealing with the same question!?”
But healing in this area isn’t about erasing attraction or deleting parts of our story.
It’s about learning (and unlearning) how to:
- Understand what’s underneath those feelings
- Respond differently instead of reacting automatically
- Hold tension without collapsing into shame or acting out
Expecting something shaped over years to disappear quickly is a heavy and often unrealistic expectation to carry.
When Old Patterns Reappear
There will be moments when:
- Attraction feels stronger than it “should”
- Old thought patterns come back online
- Comparison, shame, or isolation creeps in again
- We question whether anything is actually changing
That doesn’t mean we’re back at the beginning.
Growth in this space often works in layers.
Each time something resurfaces, we’re not starting over. Rather, we’re meeting it with more awareness, more honesty, and more choice than before.
What Progress Actually Looks Like
Not all progress feels like progress.
Sometimes it looks like:
- Noticing attraction without immediately spiraling into shame
- Pausing before acting out—even if the pause is short
- Being honest about what’s going on instead of hiding it
- Reaching out instead of isolating
- Coming back after a hard moment instead of checking out completely
These are not small things. They are real shifts and most of them happen quietly, without the emotional “high” we might hope for from change.
Why Setbacks Matter
Setbacks reveal what’s still sensitive. They show us where our work isn’t finished. They remind us that we are not finished products. On this journey, they often expose deeper needs for connection, affirmation, and belonging. Those don’t disappear just because we’ve become more aware of them.
Setbacks invite us to practice. Without them, our work stays theoretical. As much as we might prefer it stay theoretical, with setbacks, our work becomes real.
Staying the Course
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s movement.
Instead of thinking, “I’m back at square one,” we can ask, “What’s different about how I’m meeting this today?”
Instead of, “Why is this still happening?” we can notice, “Where am I responding differently than I used to?”
That’s where growth lives.
Brotherhood Matters Here
This is why we don’t walk this road alone.
Because when it feels like nothing is changing and the same struggles resurface, we need other men who understand the weight of this specific journey.
Men who can remind us, you’re not the only one dealing with this. It doesn’t define you. Men who can remind us who we really are. Often, others can see our growth more clearly than we can.
Healing is not a straight path. It’s a winding road, especially in areas tied to identity, desire, and connection. Each time we come back to the work and choose honesty over hiding or connection over isolation. We are moving forward. Even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.
Stay the course and pay attention to the small victories. They’re where real change is built.