By Rich Wyler, Director, Brothers Road—
At Brothers Road, we asked men in our community to tell us:
“What do you wish your faith leader understood about your experience of same-sex attraction?”
What came back reflected deep longing to be understood and fully seen as an individual, not a category, or certainly not as a “letter” in some LGBTQ alphabet.
What follows is a distilled summary of what many men wish their “pastors”—and faith leaders more broadly, regardless of religion—could hear and truly understand.
What My Same-Sex Attraction Does Not Mean
Experiencing same-sex attraction does not automatically mean:
- I identify as gay or that I am turning away from my faith.
- I am necessarily sinning any more than a heterosexual man is.
- I am only attracted to men; I may experience attraction to women as well.
- I am attracted to all men any more than a heterosexual man is attracted to all women.
- I am more “broken” than anyone else.
- I have a sex addiction. The two are not the same, and one can exist without the other.
- Marrying a woman will change my attractions or “solve” this.
- I am attracted to minors.
- I lack self-control or pose a threat to anyone.
- I chose to have these feelings.
- I can simply change my feelings through willpower, more prayer, or greater righteousness.
- I experience gender confusion or gender dysphoria. These are not the same.
- Hiding, suppressing, or denying my experience will ultimately help me.
<h2″>What My Same-Sex Attraction Probably Does Mean
For many men, experiencing same-sex attraction does often mean:
- I have struggled—or still struggle—with self-esteem.
- I have had difficulty feeling God’s love and acceptance.
- I may carry trauma, emotional wounds, or patterns of detachment or enmeshment from my past.
- I hunger for healthy, affirming, platonic relationships with other men. I need brothers, not lovers.
- I likely have trust issues—especially with men—and possibly with male authority figures, peers, or father figures.
- I may also have trust issues with God or the church.
- I have often felt like I wasn’t “man enough” or didn’t belong among other men—without questioning my gender.
- I tend to be emotionally sensitive, more easily hurt, and keenly aware of it. I cannot simply “toughen up” on demand.
- Prayer and scripture matter to me—but they have not been enough, on their own, to heal everything.
- I feel uncertain about my future, especially how to balance my longing for companionship with my desire to honor God.
- I want support—from you, from mentors, and from carefully chosen, safe members of the church community.
- Confidentiality is extremely important to me.
- I know more about same-sex attraction than you do—but that’s not why I’m coming to you.
- I am coming to you for a compassionate ear, encouragement, hope, faith, and spiritual guidance.
- I long for affirmation for doing the best I can to walk faithfully—not shame for having to carry this at all.
- I likely crave healthy, genuine, enthusiastic, platonic physical affection—like safe hugs.
What Men Are Really Asking For
At the heart of these responses is not a demand for theological revision, nor a rejection of faith. It is a plea for presence.
Men living with same-sex attraction are not asking pastors to have all the answers. They are asking to be seen as whole human beings—faithful, complex, wounded, hopeful—without being reduced to a single aspect of their story.
They are asking for humility instead of assumptions. Compassion instead of fear. Relationship instead of distance.
Above all, they are asking to be met just where they are, as brothers.
Click HERE to download a handout to share with your faith leader and help start a conversation.
* “Pastor” is used here broadly, referring to faith leaders and those entrusted with spiritual care.