Tools & Resources
What I Wish My Pastor Understood
Brothers Road asked men in our community:
“What do you wish your pastor* understood about your same-sex attraction?”
The following is a summary of responses.
The fact that I experience same-sex attraction does NOT mean:
- that I identify as gay or that I’m turning away from my faith.
- that I’m necessarily sinning any more than a heterosexual man is
- that I’m only attracted to men; I may experience some attraction to women also.
- that I’m attracted to all men any more than a heterosexual man is attracted to all women.
- that I’m necessarily any more “broken” than anyone else.
- that having SSA is the same as having a sex addiction. A person can have one without the other.
- that marrying a woman will change my sexual attractions and “solve” this
- that I’m attracted to minors any more than heterosexual men are
- that I can’t control my actions or that I’m a threat to anyone.
- that I chose to have these feelings
- that I can change my feelings by willpower, or if I just pray hard enough, or am righteous enough.
- that I experience gender confusion (gender dysphoria). They are not the same thing!
- that hiding and suppressing my feelings will help.
The fact that I experience same-sex attraction probably DOES mean:
- that I have (or have had) self-esteem issues related to this.
- that I have (or have had) difficulties feeling God’s love and acceptance.
- that I may have traumatic experiences in my background or a history of emotional detachment or, conversely, emotional enmeshment.
- that I’m hungry for healthy, affirming, platonic connections with men that are close and meaningful. I need brothers, not lovers!
- that I may have trust issues and likely some trauma related to men and how I have felt treated by males, peers, and father figures throughout my life.
- that I may have trust issues with God and the church.
- that I have (or have had) a hard time feeling “man enough” or “one of the guys” throughout my life (which is not all the same as questioning my gender)!
- that I may be more emotionally sensitive than the typical man and probably more easily hurt, and I’m aware of that. And I can’t just “get over” my sensitivity on demand, either.
- that I find prayer and scripture reading helpful but not nearly enough to address my issues.
- that I’m unsure about my future and how to create the best life possible, under these circumstances (especially how to balance my drive for companionship with my longing to please God).
- that I want support from you, from mentors, and certain safe, compassionate members of the church community.
- that confidentiality is very important to me.
- that I realize I know a lot more about SSA than you do, but that’s not why I’m coming to you
- that I’m coming to you for a compassionate ear, encouragement, hope, faith, and spiritual direction.
- that I crave affirmation for doing what I can to handle this as God would have me to, and not shame for having to deal with it in the first place.
- that I likely crave healthy, genuine, enthusiastic, platonic hugs.
Our Thoughts
- That there are support materials. (I was once told to just keep struggling with it.)
- That SSA and living a gay lifestyle are two different things.
A pastor once told me to “keep it under my hat.” He said he was just trying to protect me, that people would not understand. I told him that was the problem.
- One of the best ways to grow or work for me is to build healthy relationship towards other men. And hetero men don’t necessarily know how such a friendship looks either.
- Having SSA is not a sin.
- Support for SSA can cut across multiple faiths. It doesn’t need to be denomination-specific.
That his prayers with me and for me and by my side have given me the hope Christ would offer if he were here in person.
I would love my pastor to understand that SSA is not the root problem but the result of many situations that generate this issue.
I am usually not motivated to bother anybody who does not show he’s genuinely willing to help.
I wish our Bishop would allow us to publicize the Courage ministry without worrying about what others may think.
- That I don’t need to be fixed.
- There are resources available.
- Essentially it doesn’t matter where this came from or how it originated.
- That not all same sex attracted men are predators.
- Denying it won’t help.
- Shame is a huge part of the issue. So is self-deprecation.
That I have already memorized the scriptures of condemnation of homosexuality and I have weaponized them against myself, so quoting those to me only serves to dig my pit deeper and wider.
The scriptures that ultimately helped and saved me focused on God’s love for me, my infinite worth, and the hope Christ brings.
That he could ask for my help with others struggling with SSA and not be worried that I’ll flirt with them.
That male relationships are very important, and I suffer when I’m asked to serve in the children’s ministry instead of meeting with the men.
That SSA is not necessarily about sex.
In my case, it is about trauma, family dynamics (a lack love from my father and overattachment to my mother), OCD, shame and hypersensitivity. It is about a lack of healthy same-sex acceptance, love, and affirmation, and connection.
I have walked this journey. I have overcome so much. I just wish my faith leaders would use me as a resource.
It’s okay to say you don’t know anything about SSA. I’d rather you just say that instead of giving advice about something that you don’t understand.
My associate pastor takes the time to get to know me. He’s asked a lot of questions (some very uncomfortable). He loves me and hugs me every time we see one another.
What do I want pastors to know? That I want to talk more and that I love it when he’s vulnerable with me; it fosters trust and brotherhood.
I’m learning to take the initiative and tell men what I need or want. For whatever reason, they haven’t learned to read my mind and heart yet. Go figure.
Don’t be afraid of befriending me or showing or affection or affirmation. I’m not dangerous to other men.
Become aware of the extraordinarily strong sense of shame that is triggered so easily. I need to be reminded often of the Lord’s mercy (and His affection and affirmation).
Ask me to help you learn more about the significance of SSA and its causes and effects. (I have good resources). And also encourage me to support men who are struggling, whether it is with SSA specifically or from other wounds.
I’ve had bad experiences with opening up to pastors because of broken trust. Trust is a big issue and making sure it is a safe place to go to. I’ve since decided to rather open up to brothers (friends who get me) instead, but my longing for a spiritual father is still there.
I guess not gossiping and sharing my private stuff in his “prayer requests.”
It would really be appreciated to be seen as a normal Christian. And if I fall I’ll get up like any other church member. I don’t need a pastor’s labels.
My pastor gets that men are designed to need each other and be drawn to each other. Jesus modeled this! This is something to be embraced and celebrated. It’s not sexual.
His validation has been very healing… because I have experienced many wounds in the past from church leadership.
I would want them to know that it isn’t necessarily sexual in nature. That the SSA comes from a deeper unmet need for connection with a father/brother figure that may have been sexualized due to childhood abuse or trauma.
That warped relationship issues with our father or male role models impact how we view a relationship with Heavenly Father.
- We need religious leaders to create a safe place where we can be authentic. We need to know we are accepted as we are. We don’t need judgment or to feel separated from others who struggle.
- We need healthy male community with mature men of faith. We want belonging and acceptance including platonic touch. Genuine friendship is what we need. Mentoring is a blessing!
- Healing wounds is messy and takes time and commitment. We are likely to have relapses on the road to wholeness and well-being. We need to be allowed to mess up without fear of being rejected.
- Spirituality is important to us. We need help to learn how our faith can influence our emotions in positive ways. We need positive role models who demonstrate healthy ways to feel and show their emotions.
I’d also want them to know that human development and sexuality is much more complex than most people realize, with individual, family, sexual abuse, cultural and other dynamics influencing how we are sexually formed.
A kind, compassionate curiosity is so much more inviting and life-changing than a dogmatic certainty in these issues.
The church should be one of the safest places in the world to engage my sexual struggle and find healing and acceptance. It’s possible to uphold moral values and duties without using shaming and judgmental approaches.
Unfortunately, that is not the experience many of us in the evangelic Christian community have experienced.
I don’t need him as a therapist. But I chose to talk to him about some resentments that I had/have towards the church, and my struggles with it, and about not being sure it was for me anymore. At least I figured I could talk to him about that, even if I couldn’t talk to him about my SSA.
I mostly got a lot of shame from him. And very little effort to understand or to be empathetic. I don’t need that. So in short, I wish he understood how to just listen and how to be empathetic. I’d be more willing to listen to his counsel if he could do just those two things.
That this struggle is much more widespread than you would ever imagine.
Just because men in your congregation act traditionally masculine or are married does not mean that they are not suffering silently or don’t sometimes sexualize their hunger for male community and affection.
Many men today are lonely and carry wounds around men and masculinity and how society expects us to act as men (“don’t show your feelings,” “you aren’t supposed to need male friends”). They are starving for healthy father figures, brothers, and friends, but have no idea how to find them.
I’d want them to understand that SSA isn’t a preference the same way one might prefer vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream.
It’s an attraction that developed in response to traumas and difficult life experiences. I’d want them to know that feeling seen, heard, valued, accepted, affirmed, and loved by other men is the primary way to help us experience healing. Shaming us only sets us backwards.