The gay community just didn’t meet my needs. I just couldn’t identify with other gays.

I eventually came to the conclusion that gay relationships were never going to be fulfilling for me, and I wanted to find another alternative.

I was looking for a committed family of men to be in my life, and it seemed to me that I wouldn’t necessarily find that level of fidelity in the gay community. In addition, I didn’t see anyone in an openly gay life who I wanted to be like. I wanted to live life as a man, not defining myself by whatever my sexual impulses may be.

Being in the gay life in Manhattan generated a rush of excitement that I initially mistook for self-fulfillment. But the lifestyle and my behavior were still driven by my deep insecurity and emotional neediness. I was easily manipulated, and when the rush of an “encounter” wore off, I felt lonely and bad about myself. Deep dissatisfaction with the gay lifestyle, and a desire to live a physically and emotionally healthier life, motivated me to change my life.

When I have acted on my same-sex attractions, it always left me with a bad feeling afterward.

The gay world (or at least gay Los Angeles in the late 1980s) greatly disappointed me. I found in it an obsession with sex, porn, youth and physical appearance; prevalent recreational drug use; a campy, effeminate ‘crush’ on masculinity; and derision of family, monogamy and religion. I didn’t like the man I became when I was with gay boyfriends or at their parties.

My religious beliefs cause me to see that there is something higher than myself, and if I want to be in line with that, then I should live the way that I believe will make me happy. The way to my happiness is through living in line with my personal beliefs, religion, and the lifestyle that I choose.

I am an orthodox Jewish man, and I am resigned to the “fact” that I will never marry or be loved by a wife. In spite of being a rational, “modern” thinker, I won’t give up my faith.

I want to live as the man God had created me to be, at peace with his desires, and at peace with other men and women.

After 18 years of living a gay lifestyle, I had come to an end of myself. I did not like anything about who I was and where I was going. I grew up in a Christian household and decided that I would give God one more chance. I had tried everything else in order to make myself feel better and more connected. Nothing worked. It was in a life of submission to God that I found my answer. He is what motivates me to live the life I live now — a life based on biblical principles, honoring God and serving other people.

At 21, I realized that my religion was more important than the transient nature of this life, and if God didn’t want me to act in a certain way then I accepted His authority over my life.

I didn’t like the man I became when I was with gay boyfriends or at their parties. In contrast, when I met the woman I would later marry, I felt uplifted, like I was being called to be a better man. I liked the man I saw reflected in her eyes. That’s who I really wanted to be.

Though same-sex attraction was never a choice, I have always felt that it was in conflict with the person that I truly am. I am a husband and father of four now, and if I had believed the lie that homosexuality was my only option, I would not have pursued marriage and fatherhood, which have been the two most wonderful experiences of my life.

Remaining a husband and father is a strong motivation for me to continue my journey away from SSA. I am not sexually active with men at all. I am attracted to my wife and desire her sexually. I still experience SSA, but the intensity is far less than in the past, and I can more easily put these attractions in perspective, realizing that I need healthy non-sexual connection with men — which, when that need doesn’t get met, shows up for me as SSA or body envy.

I have always wanted a traditional family and to have kids of my own. Even though I was attracted to men, what I wanted was to have a wife and kids.

Today, what I want most now is just close friendship with other men. I don’t want to live with a man. I don’t want a boyfriend. 

Although I have never been attracted to women in general, I am very attracted to my wife. We have very fulfilling, easy and enjoyable intimacy. I desire her physically, sexually and romantically, which I never thought would have been possible 10 years ago. We have a great relationship.

I am committed to maintaining my marriage and living in harmony with my personal values.

I desire a life that is more compatible with my personal goals as far as family, marriage, children, etc.

Though same-sex attraction was never a choice, I have always felt that it was in conflict with the person that I truly am.

I never felt 100% at home during the time I lived that lifestyle. It never seemed to fit with who I am made to be, but I had addictive drives to continue the behaviors, even though they made me feel guilty and shameful. Since beginning the journey out of same-sex lust, I have found more peace and satisfaction than I ever thought possible.

My same-sex attractions do not resonate with the way I want to live my life. Part of the motivation is spiritual. Part of it is societal. But mainly, homosexuality just wasn’t working for me.

I realized that my homosexual desires were an escape from my self-hatred and shame, from real friendships with other men and their emotions, and from women. I realized that I used sex only to reduce distress and not because of real love and relationships.

I knew that underneath my same-sex attractions were wounds that I didn’t know what to do with. I was sexually abused as a pre-teen, and I could sense that my desire for men increased dramatically after that, mainly because my need for attention and acceptance escalated.

I was motivated to change when I accepted that the roots of my same-sex attractions were not a sexual issue, but that of a wounded boy who had never had a healthy nurturing fathering, and were profoundly emotional and psychological in nature.

I began to understand that what I was really seeking was non-sexual affirmation from the world of men. Sexual gratification never filled the underlying void. I felt deep in my core that I was not homosexual; rather, I had sexualized those male qualities I judged I never possessed.

It was incredibly liberating to come to understand that my attraction to other men at its core wasn’t because of homosexuality per se but because of a deeper unmet need for me to connect with masculinity in order to continue my own growth.

I want to find the joy that I have not glimpsed in the gay environment. I firmly believe that what I want and really need is to fulfill my needs in healthy non-sexual ways.

When I was living a gay life, I felt this emptiness in my heart. I didn’t know where it was coming from, but I realized that I needed to change. I realized that what I wanted most in my life was to not feel alone — but contrary to what everyone was telling me, pursuing a gay lifestyle made me feel even more alone.

I didn’t like the man I became when I was with gay boyfriends or at their parties. In contrast, when I met my future wife, I felt uplifted, like I was being called to be a better man. I liked the man I saw reflected in her eyes. That’s who I really wanted to be.